Alves emerges as the latest Monica Lewinsky lover

It was announced today that another one of Monica Lewinsky's past lovers has apparently surfaced -- eager to share lurid details from the past. "I don't think a gentleman should go into details" said Andre Alves of Belfast, Ulster, "but she was one little hellcat, let me tell you."

"She loved me until I had nothing left to give," continued Alves over a lunch of Pizza at Pizza Hut, "and then she picked up her kneepads and blew out of my life, so to speak. I'm guessing she wore them out when she moved to Washington DC."

When asked if his revelations weren't just so many sour grapes, Alves responded angrily. "I don't have to take that from the press. I loved Monica. True, I only remember that she had a beautiful head of hair, and true, we didn't talk much, but a love like that only comes along in a blue moon. Except of course for a lab technician my friend just told me about last week. We're going to set something up for Friday night. Whoo-hoo!"

When asked how it had ended, Alves, his voice cracking audibly, said "I thought it was going so well, and then one day she told me she had found someone else." Then he added brightly, "Of course, now that I'm a celebrity, there may be a book deal or a movie in all of this. There might even be a country song."

Alves refused to speculate on what the title of such a song might be.

F U L L S T O R Y

Hanks to get $17 million for "Apollo" sequel

Tom Hanks will earn at least $17 million for starring in the sequel to Apollo XIII, which will open next Christmas. The Touchhome Pictures film, titled "Apollo XIII II," will tell the story of a secret space safari to seek signs of past life on the moon. Hanks and his fellow astronauts, including Sigourney Weaver and Johnny Quest, will camp out on the dark side of the moon and discover things far more scary than rocks and old golf balls.