by Kristy Martz
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|Prosecuting Attorney (Belail)|
|Defense Attorney (Yoshua)|
|Zachary Michael Web|
Announcer: Welcome back to Celestial Court. Today we will be hearing the case Zachary Web vs. Christianity. Belail will be the prosecuting attorney. Yoshua will be speaking in Mr. Web's defense. The honorable Judge Jehovah, as always, is presiding.
P.A.: ...So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is my hope that you will find the defendant guilty of these charges.
Judge: I have heard the opening statements made by the prosecution and the defense. You may proceed.
P.A.: I'd like to call my first witness...Mr. Zachary Web.
(Zachary Web takes the stand)
P.A.: Would you be so kind as to state your full name, for the record.
Z.W.: Zachary Michael Web.
P.A.: You, sir, have been accused of not being a faithful Christian. You have been charged with being disobedient to God and not fulfilling your duties as a Christian. (pauses while looks at notebook) Mr. Web, (turns sharply to face Zachary Web) Where were you on the night of October the 13th?
Z.W.: At home.
P.A.: What were you doing?
Z.W.: Watching T.V.
P.A.: What were you watching.
Z.W.: A game.
P.A.: What kind of game?
Z.W.: A football game.
P.A.: And did your favorite team WIN this game?
Z.W.: I don't see what.....
Judge:Just answer the question.
Z.W.: No. They lost.
P.A.: And just what did you do when they lost?
Z.W.: I...I...I used the name of the Lord in vain.
P.A.: How very un-Christian of you. I also have knowledge that you were drunk on the night of August the 5th AND that you put your career before God on countless occasions.
Z.W.: I was wrong! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
P.A.: Yes, I know...just too bad you can't erase the past. I have no further questions.
Announcer: When we come back, Yoshua speaks in Zachary Web's defense. Don't go away.
Commercial Announcer: Is your heart dusty? Is it grimy? Filthy? Well, come on down to God's Heart Cleaning Service for our unlimited-time offer. No long lines or hassles. You're served as soon as you ask. And talk about thrifty! Its absolutely free! Your debt's already been paid! So come ask God for a clean heart today. And remember, a clean heart's only a prayer away.
Announcer: Welcome back to Celestial Court.
D.A.: Zachary, where were you last night?
Z.W.: I was at a revival meeting.
D.A.: What did you do at that meeting?
Z.W.: I asked Jesus into my heart and I asked him to forgive all my sins.
P.A.: I object!
Judge: Belial, you are overruled.
D.A.: Jehovah, I ask you to look at Zachary. Do you see any sin?
Judge:I see no sin.
D.A.: Your honor, since there is no existing evidence of sin on the part of my client, I suggest that all charges be dropped and Mr. Web be acknowledged as a Christian.
Judge: I agree. Case dismissed.
P.A.: Again? I lost AGAIN?! Well, there's always next time...
(Z.W. hugs Yoshua and walks off)
D.A.: Wow dad, you sure were great today! Poor Belial, I guess he really doesn't stand a chance against us, huh?
Judge: I suppose not. I sure am glad I fired him while I had the chance.
Announcer: Join us again in two weeks for Celestial Court!
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