The missionary call is somewhat suspect in this surfer!
Ernest Green (a surfer)
(INTERVIEWER is sitting at desk. Knock on door and GREEN enters.)
GREEN:Hello, is this the Missions employment office?
INTER: Er, yes.
GREEN: Well, my name is Ernest Green and I have come about a job.
GREEN: I'd like to be a missionary please &emdash; and I have my CV.
INTER: I see. What exactly have. you in mind?
GREEN: Well, you know - just the normal. Trekking up the Zambezi with my native bearers. Bringing the light to the Dark Continent and all that. I mean, for some time now I have been feeling that God is calling me to be a missionary.
INTER: When did you first feel the call?
GREEN: On the beach I was sitting there thinking. Ernest, you've got to go and do something. Something for the poor and needy. I couldn't be a pastor because I haven't got 8th form certificate. And I can't work with kids because I hate kids. And I haven't got a job, so' I thought, right - a missionary.
INTER: I see.
GREEN: After all, doth it not saith in the Good Book -"Go and disable all nations"?
INTER: Disciple not disable, Mr Green.
INTER: Disciple &emdash; make disciples.
GREEN: Oh yes. I thought that didn't seem a very Christian thing to do.
INTER: Yeth. I mean, yes it does.
GREEN: Well, there you are then.
INTER: Er .. . . Mr Green, it doesn't seem a very clear call to me.
GREEN: Oh, I've tested it.
INTER: Ah, have you. Well, that's a bit more like it.
GREEN: I was standing at the bus stop and I said, "Lord, if you want me to be a Tentmaker then let the 889 come along in one minute. And it did.
GREEN: And then another miracle happened. A car drew up and the
driver said to me, 'Do you know the way to Simpson Road?'
(INTERVIEWER looks blankly)
You don't get it, do you?
GREEN: Well, it you change the 'p' in Simpson for an i and then alter all the letters around you get 'mission'. Don't tell me that's just coincidence!
INTER: Well now, Mr Green, have you any skills you can offer us?
GREEN: You name it, I can do it.
INTER: Well, are you a builder?
INTER: Accountant? Administrator?.
GREEN: Not exactly, no.
INTER: Teacher, electrician, mechanical engineer?
GREEN: (mumbling) No. (Shakes his head)
INTER: Translator, pilot, doctor?
INTER: You're a doctor!
INTER: I thought you said, if I name it you can do it?
GREEN: Yes, but you haven't named it yet.
INTER: Well, what can you do, Mr Green?
GREEN: I can ride a boogey board. I was thinking along the lines of Bali or Surfers Paradise. Somewhere warm. So, I can be a missionary then?
INTER: Mr Green, I'm going to be entirely frank with you now. I don't believe you have thought this out fully. You have no clear calling, no professional skills and little idea of what a missionary does.
GREEN: Is that yes or no?
GREEN: Don't try to spare my feelings, just give it to me straight.
INTER: Mr Green, you need commitment to be a missionary. You need to be sure.
GREEN: I am sure. You're just trying to stifle my call.
INTER: I'm not.
GREEN: You are. I'm being stifled. You're stamping on my convictions.
INTER: Look, it's just that I'm not sure you've given this matter enough thought!
GREEN: I thought you needed people.
INTER: We do. There is a desperate need. But more than that, there is a desperate need for committed Christians, no matter where they are.
GREEN: I could be committed.
INTER: You probably will be, but that's not the point. There are plenty of things you can do to help. You can raise funds. You can pray.
GREEN: No, that's not good enough. I can't be bothered with all that. I want the glamour, the excitement.
INTER: We're not in the business of glamour. We're in the business of hard work. The world needs Christians who are prepared for hard work.
GREEN: Well, not to worry. You can't win them all. I'll put plan B into action.
INTER: What's plan B?
GREEN: I'll go surfing.
© Author unknown
Back to NYUDrama Script Index